I’ve been having minor heart attacks. I’ve been told that I have a very limited time left to live. My heart is just giving up on me, and thus, I felt like I needed to give up on me, too, as I have so many times in the past.

Giving up on myself is the reason why I got this way. I’ve always been that failure, that fat girl that everyone hates. I can’t even begin to describe the hurt, the pain, the sheer downright sorrow that has come with being, well, a blimp.

My life has seemed like one struggle after another. And I know that other people have it worse, but my own struggles and issues and sorrows have really taken more of a toll on me than anyone could possibly realize. Even I at times can only dissect pieces at a time, learning about myself and why I am the way I am about certain things, how I handle situations, how I respond to things, how I eat, and so forth.

So when I learned that my heart is failing, on top of an already overwhelming mountain of health issues (both physical and mental), it just seemed like… the end. It was like life was laughing at me, just when I’d gathered the courage to try and make some serious positive changes.

And these last few weeks have been anything but easy. I’ve been handed not only the heart issues, but serious fights have broken out in my family, leaving my family in shambles and shredded. I’ve also been trying to fight off a very bad bought of depression, which has been putting me about as low as I go. I’ve had mental breakdowns at work. I was nearly hospitalized just this last Friday, due to a severe reaction to my inhaler that came close to taking my life. University work, too, has become overwhelming, as it’s now the beginning of finals time. And I miss people and things that are now gone that I loved dearly. I feel empty, and broken. So I’ve been snowed under lately, just all at once, and it’s become… so very much.

And yet… I’ve been trying.

Failing… but trying.

I am on the Herbalife diet. And when I do it right, it works well. But I have a tendency to listen to that other voice in my head – the one that’s saying to go to McDonalds and get a cheeseburger, to go to the movies and have some popcorn and hotdogs. That voice tells me that it’s OK to go to Olive Garden and pig out on breadsticks and ravioli. That voice tells me that I won’t gain too much from a little bit of maccaroni and cheese from Dominos.

That voice is, if I may – fucking me over. And I need to turn it off.

Just last week, I had gone down to 293.8 pounds – I had lost 11 pounds since I’d started this blog.

This morning when I had weighed in… I was at 300.2.

And it’s all my own damn fault.

I’ve been cheating, and cheating bad. It started on Halloween with Olive Garden, going to the movies, and then McDonalds. And before you all think I’m the biggest pig on earth, I don’t typically eat like this – but I was out with a friend, and it was HER idea to go to Olive Garden and McDonalds. But it was my poor decisions that led me to order and eat what I did. Then I cheated again on Sunday and Monday, too. Even today, I cheated, but not quite as bad. Regardless, I’ve let my emotions, and that little voice – and my intense, insane cravings and sense of hunger – to get the better of me. And earlier today I was thinking, ‘Who cares?’

And then, I came home from work today and watched The Biggest Loser.

That show has one of two effects on me. It either depresses me, or inspires me – usually the first option, because I could never have the strength and willpower and stamina and get-go that those people have. And it’s almost like laughing at myself, that I could never be like them and lose weight like them, etc.

But today, for a change… it actually inspired me. And I’m going to cling to that inspiration before it fades away.

I really, really wish that I could have a long talk with Jillian, the trainer. It’s not so much the people that inspired me this week, but what Jillian said – about the little voice, and about having to let go of emotions and hurt and pain. That it’s so much more than just changing on the outside, but it’s all about changing on the inside, too. Because I am so depressed and sad and forlorn internally, and I know a lot of it is because of my weight. But I also know that part of it has caused me to become this way (the other part is simply health issues), and unless that can get fixed, I’ll never really lose weight.

I have to do this for me. Too often I am doing crap for other people – trying to please others, lay down in the dirt for them, or for the sake of peace. But I learned on Sunday that I just can’t impress anyone. The people who I thought I meant something to, I don’t. The people who I thought were backing me, aren’t. And no matter how hard I’ve tried to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, I will never, ever be what my mother wishes I was.

So if I am going to do anything, it’s going to be alone. And it’s got to be for me.

That’s not saying that I don’t want encouragement and support, because I really, truly do. It’s very important to me to have people cheering me on. Because right now I feel very much alone. And while I am realizing that I do have to do this for me… I am still asking for those comments, those words of love, especially right now when I have so much on my plate.

I need to do this, and I need to do it right. I need to stick to the Herbalife. I need to just stick to it and not listen to those cravings and pangs of hunger. I lose weight when I am faithful. It’s all a matter of not cheating. If I didn’t cheat, I’d be good to go.

I tell myself that I have goals. I want to be down 20 pounds by Thanksgiving, 30 pounds by Christmas, 50 pounds by the time of my annual Vegas trip in February, and 80 pounds by my 21st birthday on May 15th. Had I not gained back weight, some of these might seem more attainable. But if I stay faithful, then perhaps they are attainable still.

So I am starting again, starting tomorrow. As of tomorrow, I need to be die-hard. I can’t cheat. I can’t fib. I have to do my Herbalife, take my pills, and try and make these changes, while I still can.

There’s nothing I can do to change my health. What will be of that… will be. But I want to try and change in what time I have left.

In the meantime, I am going to be dealing with some other things – namely some very, very bad news that I received yesterday.

You see, as you recall, the other day I was incredibly ill for a period of time, and it was nothing new. I am very much acquaintanced with randomly being fine one minute, and then incredibly ill the next. My heart races like I’m in a marathon, I am dizzy and weak, I get sensations of falling or swinging about, I hurt everywhere, I often pass out, sometimes I feel like I need to throw up… Etc. It’s horrible and nasty and can last for short periods of time, or for longer periods of time. I’ve never really known what has been going on.

Until yesterday.

I did some thorough research online, and after calling and speaking to my doctor over the phone and describing my symptoms, it’s essentially been confirmed.

I have been having multiple minor heart attacks.

And the doctor said, if things don’t improve, and judging based on how frequently that I’ve been having them, that I could very easily be dead in under six months, possibly even a year.

Shit.

I don’t know how to feel about this. I’ve had a bad heart for years, and many of my other conditions mess with my heart, too. Plus, I am heavily obese. So it’s not like it’s coming as some huge, grand shock… but at the same time, it is. Just earlier this year, I went through a massive cancer scare. Fortunately, it turned out to be something else, but this is pretty much solidified. I only wish that I would have known sooner.

I am scared. I am frightened, and lonely, and upset. I told my family, and their response was thus: “Well, that’s what you get for being as big as a house.” Thanks for the sensitivity. I am well aware that some of my choices in life has lead me down this path, but I am also more than aware that a lot of it has to do with my parents, and my upbringing, and my past.

I don’t really know what to do. I asked the doctor for options and really, right now, there aren’t any, other than trying to lose weight to decrease the strain on my heart. I am in no condition to even consider surgery – it’s almost guaranteed I would die on the operating table. Even if given the option, I’d turn it down. I have no way to pay for it, no one to take care of me and my animals… Just, that’s not an option. The only other thing I really could do would be to see a cardio specialist and see if there’s not some medication I could be on.

Part of me is now heavily discouraged. Six months? I’d already had an expiration date, but now it’s been dramatically moved up. And I feel helpless. What sort of life have I had, or lack thereof? Not a very good one. And it’s not like things can magically improve with the wave of a wand, either.

Part of me wants to throw in the towel now on this ‘journey’. What’s the point? I’m going to die. There’s no way that I could improve myself that drastically in such a short amount of time. I would only be making myself miserable in the last few months I’ve got.

But the other part of me says I should still try. As my friend Derrik was saying to me last night, I should try and make as many good things as I can so that when my time to go does come, I can at least go feeling ‘not quite as shit as you do now’ (as he put it). And maybe, if I did lose some weight, that maybe I could expand my chances a bit. Maybe? Perhaps?

I feel very lost and confused and just downright fucking depressed. I appreciate everything everyone has said so far and all of the continual support. It really does mean a lot. And your thoughts on this matter would be very much appreciated as well…

Until tomorrow, then, when hopefully I’ve calmed down…

In a way, I am already ready to give up.

Yesterday was just not a good day. Day 2, overall, turned out to be pretty awful. I was sore and exhausted when I woke up (despite nine hours of sleep), and that painful fatigue sat with me throughout the day.

For lunch I had about two handfuls of Ruffles and a hot turkey and cheese sandwich on my potato bread with a Dr. Pepper – a fairly standard lunch that was about moderate in calories (a bit high, but again, I don’t have much food to my name at the moment). However, about an hour after I ate… I began exceedingly ill.

It happens from time to time, but it is becoming a lot more frequent nowadays, actually. I don’t really know what it is, what all is causing it, if something triggers it, etc. Essentially my health begins to race like I’m running a marathon, palpitating and skipping beats, and my stomach clenches into a tight, sickening ball, I sway in place but I feel like I’m swinging to and fro, my head feels all woozy… and I’m just generally very ill and very, very tired. I had a lot of homework for school to do, and I tried to lay down for a while and take a nap, but I woke up feeling about ten times worse. I couldn’t even concentrate to read the necessary material for my coursework, so school just didn’t happen yesterday.

I was like this until about 4:30 PM. At that time, I was feeling a tiny tad better, so I decided that I had to go to work. I ate a strawberry Jello cup for a snack, and then went to work.

I arrived at work feeling like shit, to be honest. But after being there about an hour, I started to feel a lot better. I actually ended up having a very successful day at work, which was surprising.

Earlier that day I had talked to my grandparents over the phone and discussed my diet options with them. For those of you who don’t know, my grandparents currently support me (not entirely, but partially), as they are, yes, rich. (I’m not – they are.) They have been pushing for me to lose weight ever since I was about five, so they normally back me up when I need money to try new programs. (Notice I say back me up money-wise, not support-wise.) I told them all about the Herbalife, and they looked it up, and they want me to give it a go. So it looks like I’ll be trying out the Herbalife and giving it a shot. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, then I’ll find another alternative.

However, after work I was intensely craving chips and salsa. Don’t ask me why, I just was. I have this condition where I crave carbs and salts. I can’t for the life of me remember the name of it, or remember the technicalities of why my body does, but it’s annoying, to say the least. I don’t crave sweets or chocolate – I crave french fries and pizza and chips and pretzels. And my craving for chips and salsa, and Mexican food in general, hit me upside the head.

So, I debated. The only Mexican restaurant in town that I really like is a place called Manuel’s, which doesn’t have the world’s greatest service, but their margaritas and some of their meals are to die for. They are quite excellent. So I weighed my options: Go to Manuel’s and have a really nice dinner to try and cheer yourself up from a shitty day knowing that you will probably gain some weight back but also knowing that you now have a diet plan set in place that you will act upon, or, go home and cook some eggs and eat some popcorn later for a snack and probably don’t gain weight and possibly lose some weight.

I chose Manuel’s.

Yeah, I know. I shouldn’t have. But I did. I was depressed and already highly discouraged with myself, and I was crazy hungry, and let me be honest – I can’t cook eggs right to save my life. So I went to Manuel’s. I didn’t order nearly as much as I normally do. Typically when I am there, I can eat two bowls of chips, half a massive plate of cheese crisp, and three chicken enchiladas. Last night, I only had about 3/4 a bowl of chips, 1/4 of the cheese crisp, and two shredded beef tacos (with just the meat and cheese). So while it was still a very high calorie, high in fat meal… it was delicious, made me feel better, and I did cut back.

I had originally had every intention of returning to the gym that night, but by the time I got home, I was dead on my feet. I literally had no strength to do anything. I couldn’t write, or read, or even play a game. I was just flat-out tired. I am typically not ready to hit the hay until 2-3 AM, but I went to bed last night at 10:30 PM. And I was out like a light.

So the big question is… How much did my eating habits yesterday effect my weight?

A guy by the name of Rob brought up on my previous post that it can be hard to determine just what kind of weight your body is losing. You could be down or up in numbers, but you don’t know if those numbers are effected by water intake, or bloating, or if it’s actually fat loss, etc. etc. So I’ve decided to start tacking on my daily fat percentage as well. My scale tells me what portion of my body is fat. The fluctuations of the fat percentage will give me a more accurate reading on what my body is actually losing (or gaining). So, here are my stats from today:

Starting Weight: 304.2
Weight Yesterday (10-8-09): 304.0
Weight Today (10-9-09): 304.0, 53.5% Fat (Over half of me is fat. EW.)
Daily Weight Loss: 0 lbs
Overall Weight Loss: .2 lbs

Am I shocked? Yes – because I had thought I would have gained a lot more than that. I was very much prepared to get on that scale and have gained two, three pounds. The fact that I didn’t gain at all is a huge relief. I don’t remember my fat percentage from previously, so I don’t know how much that changed, but we’ll see. I know I didn’t make the healthiest choices yesterday, but once I start the Herbalife, I’ll be eating very healthy every day, and things will really be able to take off then. So until I get onto the Herbalife, I am not going to worry quite so much about the weight. I will still try and improve, but I am not going to beat myself into a pulp just yet.

Lunch: Two handfuls of Ruffles, hot turkey and cheese sandwich (zapped in microwave), Dr. Pepper.
Snack: Strawberry Jello cup
Dinner: Virgin strawberry margarita, bowl of chips and salsa, two shredded beef tacos (just the meat and cheese), three slices of a chicken cheese crisp.

I received not only some comforting comments, but some good ideas and suggestions, too. For example, Zoe brought up my hypothyroidism. And it got me thinking, that the crazy weight gain has all been within the period of when I went off of my thyroid medication because the doctors told me that it ‘wasn’t working’. So I think I’m going to try and get some refills. I will probably have to go back in for some bloodwork, but perhaps it could help me.

I was also given some suggestions for snacks. If you all want to give me some ideas on good snacks (nothing with nuts or vegetables, please) or some healthy meals, that would be cool. I may or may not take up your suggestion (or might already be aware of it), but I’m open to some new ideas for some things to try, especially since right now I am still debating how the actual ‘diet’ is going to work.

A few of my friends have told me that I am going to be an inspiration to them. That makes me feel very proud, and I thank you. I only hope that I can keep up this journey and actually be inspiration-worthy!

Since you all take the time to comment, I will try and take the time to reply to your comments. However, my limited time might dictate that I can’t do this. So if I don’t reply to your comment, please do not feel bad. I will read each and every comment, and they all mean so much to me. <3

So now… it's time to talk about yesterday, AKA, the start of everything.

Weight Yesterday (10-7-09): 304.2
Weight Today (10-8-09): 304.0
Daily Weight Loss: .2 lbs
Overall Weight Loss: .2 lbs

Just from looking at those stats… I'll be honest. I feel a bit discouraged. I really thought that I would have at least lost a pound yesterday.

Yesterday was sort of a big day, because after all, it was the start of everything. I made this blog, wrote up my first post, did my video blog, started making plans and goals, etc. So there was a lot of work that went into yesterday.

I also went through and threw out some of my junk – namely some leftover strawberry ice cream and Hostess cupcakes. I kept my popcorn (healthy snack) and Ruffles (not healthy, but not bad if eaten in moderation). I don't have a lot of food right now. I have some Dr. Pepper (I don't care how unhealthy it is – I will NOT give it up, even if it's only one can every few days) and water to drink. I have some potato bread, American cheese, and eggs, and some Nutrigrain bars. And, of course, I have a heap of Optifast. And that's how my food status is at the moment. I know I need to go to the market soon, but I need to finish determining what 'diet' I'm going to do before I do that.

Lately I've been having an awful lot of Subway. I like to get two sandwiches – one for lunch, one for dinner. I typically get meatball marinaras, and a bag of chips and some oatmeal cookies. This is, obviously, not an extremely healthy meal.

Nevertheless, yesterday I decided to go back to Subway. Except, this time, I walked there instead of driving. The walking distance from my apartment to the Subway is about half of a mile (perhaps a little less) one way. So I pulled out my iPod, put on some music, and walked there. And it was a beautiful day out, and nice and cool with a slgiht breeze. Arizona has finally cooled down some, so it was great for a walk.

This time, I got two footlong turkey sandwiches with just mayonaise on their Italian bread, and a fruit punch juice box to drink. One sandwich was for lunch, the other for dinner (before you go and think that I ate two footlongs for lunch, haha).

I then walked back to my place. Overall, the trip took about 35 minutes.

I didn't eat again until I was at work. I work as a telemarketer for State Farm, and they have a bunch of peanut butter crackers there. Amanda, my coworker, was eating a bunch, and I was exceedingly hungry, so I had a packet.

Then for dinner, I had my second sandwich, as well as some Ruffles – about maybe three handfuls worth. A little bit later, because I still felt extremely hungry ever after that, I had a Nutrigrain bar.

I knew that I hadn't made some of the wisest choices diet-wise that day, so at about 10:00 at night, I forced myself to go down to my gym. My apartment complex has a little gym just a few yards away from me, and I have a key to it so I can go in there whenever I want.

I've been there a few times before, mainly to just use the treadmill. In the past I've also used the stair stepper and the weights, but never any of the arm machines and lifts and such. I don't go there very often, not only because I am a lazyass and just have no time, but there always seems to be someone in there or someone who comes in who just stares and glares at me the whole time, making me feel like shit, to say the least. It is always someone who is ripped and buff, some guy, giving me these looks of pure disgust. And I hate it.

When I originally showed up, there was no one there. I decided that I wanted to work my whole body, so I started with the arm machines. I did a series of reps on them, determining on how many I could do. I wanted to push myself, but not so much that I would tear my muscles and be in a lot of pain the next day. Baby steps, you know? I need to slowly work up to things as I gain muscle and endurance, rather than just going all-out right off the bat.

After I did all of the arm machines, I went and lifted some weights for a bit. Sad to say, but I can only lift about 5 lbs. at the moment. I used to be able to do about 15. I had always thought that my arms were strong, but after doing those weights and arm machines, I've come to the conclusion that any strength that I used to have in them is long since past.

I then did the stairstepper for about three minutes. Three minutes is pathetic, but it's all I could do. My thighs were about ready to explode. I used to be able to do at least six minutes on the stair stepper. So to say the least, I was getting a bit of a wake-up call at just how bad of shape I have become. No wonder stairs have been particularly tough as of late.

I wrapped things up with the treadmill. I walked for 35 minutes, and in that time, I walked 1.7 miles – not too bad. My legs were absolutely jelly by the time I was done, and I was lightheaded. During the last ten minutes, two ripped guys did come in, and they glared at me per normal. I was tempted to just leave when they did come in, but no, I stayed and finished my set.

I meant to be at the gym for thirty minutes, but ended up being there for an hour. I felt pretty good about it. I had gotten a good workout without overly killing myself. The worst thing was my feet, which burned on absolute fire. The slightest pressure was causing me to cry. It's a problem I've dealt with for years, and I am seriously considering going and seeing a foot specialist, because I know there's something else going on with them than simply being overweight. When they get bad like how they got last night, you can just brush a Q-tip against them and it makes me scream. It's not good, and if it keeps happening, it's going to severely damper my ability to work out properly.

So, to say the least, after all of the physical activity yesterday, I am a wee bit shocked that I only lost .2 lbs. I guess it's better than a gain, or staying the same, but I was really looking for at least a one pound decrease. I will just have to cut back even more with my food and keep up the exercise. Hopefully today will be more of a success!

Lunch: Foot long turkey sandwich with mayonaise on Italian bread, with 100% fruit punch juice box.
Snack: Peanut butter crackers.
Dinner: Foot long turkey sandwich with mayonaise on Italian bread, with water, and about three handfuls of Ruffles.
Snack: Nutrigrain bar.

My name is Diane Shreve, and this is my self journey.

I am 20 years old, and as of this morning, on October 7th, 2009, I weighed in at 304.2 pounds.

I have been overweight my entire life.  I was born as a chubby baby, and the fat never left me.  I have literally never known a ‘thin’ day in my life, and it has effected every inch and corner of my life.

I grew up knowing nothing but hate.  I was alone with no friends, and my family loathed me and let me know about it on a daily basis.  My weight has always defined me.  I can’t even begin to say how many times I’ve gone to sit down somewhere, and people move away from me. 

I get weird stares and looks of disgust wherever I go.  I get glares and sneers, and I am often shoved, tripped, or people just run up and scream, “FAT UGLYASS BITCH!” at me.  I wish I could say that these were rare occurences, but it’s not.

My weight and health has kept me from doing the things I want to do and love.  It limits me in every fashion, even with simple things like sitting in chairs. 

My health is general is really bad off right now, physically and mentally.  I don’t particularly care to burden you with all of my ailments and problems and troubles and disabilities, but here’s just a handful of them to name just so you get a brief idea of what I am up against: fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, epstein barr, hypothyroidism, numerous knee disabilities, and more…

But what has been attacking me the worst of all is my depression.  I have depression so severe that psychologists consider me a lost cause.   My depression is so bad that I literally do not process positive thoughts, or truly comprehend things that are ‘good’.  Any time that I do (on that rare occassion), I self-destruct.  To say that I beat myself up and punish myself and put myself down would be the understatement of the year.   I have no sense of self-worth.  I have no ego.  I feel I am ugly, and awful, and terrible, and horrible, and, to be bluntly honest, I don’t feel like I deserve to live.  The world shouldn’t have to deal with me and my fat ass and my lifeless waste of space and oxygen.  Yes, I have attempted suicide, and I am suicidal about every day of my life.  I am miserable.

This is just the briefest, tip of the iceberg of what my background is, where I come from.  Essentially I’m a fat girl who wakes up crying and goes to bed crying because she wishes that she’d just die, because she doesn’t know happiness, and because she feels that she doesn’t deserve happiness.  She’s also extremely lonely.

And I know a lot of this is attributed to my weight.  Not all of it – but some.  A lot of it, too, is thanks to my upbringing and lonesome childhood and abusive parents.  My brain is just… haha, really screwed up.  And in all honestly, it’s not so much the exercise or even the food parts of this that scare me… it’s the mental problems that are going to come with it.

So I’ve decided that I need to change some things (ok, a lot of things).  I need to change my life as a whole, both inside and outside.  I need to lose weight but not only have weight loss, but gain muscle, and in a way, most importantly, improve my mental well-being.  Because I could lose all the weight in the world, but if I continue to feel the way I do now, there’s little point in going on with anything.  I need to find happiness.  I need to convince myself that I can accept and deserve happiness.  I need to expand myself and become a better person, and not only for me, but for my friends and family, too.

Hence, I am on a journey, starting to climb the biggest mountain I’ve ever climbed before, and what will likely be one of the biggest obstacles to scale in my entire life (if not the biggest).  Right now I’m feeling optimistic about it, but even now, I don’t have the confidence to say ‘I can do this’.  Right now, it’s a ‘I surely hope I can do this and I’m going to try’.

I have started to set a lot of goals for myself.  As time goes by and I progress, I’m sure that these goals will change.  But here are a few of the basics as of right now:

Overall Weight Loss Goal: Get down to 140 – 150 pounds.
Monthly Weight Loss Goal: Lose 10 pounds a month.  I think that this is very reasonable and doable.  If I do less than this, I know I’m not trying hard enough.  If I can do more, then great!
Weekly Exercise Goal: Work out at least three days a week.  I would like to work out more – every day a week if possible – but I know that my demanding, busy schedule of being a full time college student with two jobs is going to prevent this from happening.
Overall Mental Goals: Try and discover happiness.  Learn to be OK with who I am.  Make some new friends.  Try some new things.  Experience life a bit.  Be comfortable going somewhere.  Find satisfaction.

These are just a few of the basics that I have at the moment.

A lot of this, I am still planning, as everything is in a really rough stage right now.  I currently have no definitive plan on what I’m going to do for eating and exercise.  There is a gym at my apartment complex, and it’s nice, but I am considering seeing about getting a personal trainer if I can afford it. 

As for diet, I am thinking about going onto the Herbalife system.  If you have used Herbalife before or know something about it, please, let me know.  I would love to hear some feedback.

I cannot stress to you enough how crucial feedback is going to be with all of this.  You see, I have no will power – none.  I need a support system to push me and shove me every step of the way.  I need positive reinforcement, otherwise I will cripple and fail, like I have so many times before in the past.  I have no family to support me.  I don’t have any roommates or anyone living with me to even sit down with and talk to.  I need your help.  I need you to comment on my blog posts, and lend me your thoughts, your love, your encouragement, your support.  Please.  It is so important that I get some good people behind me on this…

So yes.  This is the start of my journey.  It’s now 1 AM, so technically, the first day is over, and I hope it was a success.  I have decided that I am going to try and blog about the day before the morning after… if that makes sense at all.  In other words, I will be writing about, say, the events of Thursday on Friday morning.  That way I can post my weigh-in for the day, and I can observe the day as a whole.  This might change if this system doesn’t work out (AKA I don’t have time to write it every morning), but I think that it’s what I’ll do for now.

If you haven’t watched the youtube video yet, please do.  I will be doing a variety of blog videos, from me working out, to weigh-ins, to meal checks, and more.  They will be more in-depth (and fun), so please, do watch those as well!  You can either watch them here as I post them, or feel free to follow my YouTube channel.

And on that note, I did you all farewell!  Until the morning, anyway…  And we shall see if my first day truly was a success…