My name is Diane Shreve, and this is my self journey.
I am 20 years old, and as of this morning, on October 7th, 2009, I weighed in at 304.2 pounds.
I have been overweight my entire life. I was born as a chubby baby, and the fat never left me. I have literally never known a ‘thin’ day in my life, and it has effected every inch and corner of my life.
I grew up knowing nothing but hate. I was alone with no friends, and my family loathed me and let me know about it on a daily basis. My weight has always defined me. I can’t even begin to say how many times I’ve gone to sit down somewhere, and people move away from me.
I get weird stares and looks of disgust wherever I go. I get glares and sneers, and I am often shoved, tripped, or people just run up and scream, “FAT UGLYASS BITCH!” at me. I wish I could say that these were rare occurences, but it’s not.
My weight and health has kept me from doing the things I want to do and love. It limits me in every fashion, even with simple things like sitting in chairs.
My health is general is really bad off right now, physically and mentally. I don’t particularly care to burden you with all of my ailments and problems and troubles and disabilities, but here’s just a handful of them to name just so you get a brief idea of what I am up against: fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, epstein barr, hypothyroidism, numerous knee disabilities, and more…
But what has been attacking me the worst of all is my depression. I have depression so severe that psychologists consider me a lost cause. My depression is so bad that I literally do not process positive thoughts, or truly comprehend things that are ‘good’. Any time that I do (on that rare occassion), I self-destruct. To say that I beat myself up and punish myself and put myself down would be the understatement of the year. I have no sense of self-worth. I have no ego. I feel I am ugly, and awful, and terrible, and horrible, and, to be bluntly honest, I don’t feel like I deserve to live. The world shouldn’t have to deal with me and my fat ass and my lifeless waste of space and oxygen. Yes, I have attempted suicide, and I am suicidal about every day of my life. I am miserable.
This is just the briefest, tip of the iceberg of what my background is, where I come from. Essentially I’m a fat girl who wakes up crying and goes to bed crying because she wishes that she’d just die, because she doesn’t know happiness, and because she feels that she doesn’t deserve happiness. She’s also extremely lonely.
And I know a lot of this is attributed to my weight. Not all of it – but some. A lot of it, too, is thanks to my upbringing and lonesome childhood and abusive parents. My brain is just… haha, really screwed up. And in all honestly, it’s not so much the exercise or even the food parts of this that scare me… it’s the mental problems that are going to come with it.
So I’ve decided that I need to change some things (ok, a lot of things). I need to change my life as a whole, both inside and outside. I need to lose weight but not only have weight loss, but gain muscle, and in a way, most importantly, improve my mental well-being. Because I could lose all the weight in the world, but if I continue to feel the way I do now, there’s little point in going on with anything. I need to find happiness. I need to convince myself that I can accept and deserve happiness. I need to expand myself and become a better person, and not only for me, but for my friends and family, too.
Hence, I am on a journey, starting to climb the biggest mountain I’ve ever climbed before, and what will likely be one of the biggest obstacles to scale in my entire life (if not the biggest). Right now I’m feeling optimistic about it, but even now, I don’t have the confidence to say ‘I can do this’. Right now, it’s a ‘I surely hope I can do this and I’m going to try’.
I have started to set a lot of goals for myself. As time goes by and I progress, I’m sure that these goals will change. But here are a few of the basics as of right now:
Overall Weight Loss Goal: Get down to 140 – 150 pounds.
Monthly Weight Loss Goal: Lose 10 pounds a month. I think that this is very reasonable and doable. If I do less than this, I know I’m not trying hard enough. If I can do more, then great!
Weekly Exercise Goal: Work out at least three days a week. I would like to work out more – every day a week if possible – but I know that my demanding, busy schedule of being a full time college student with two jobs is going to prevent this from happening.
Overall Mental Goals: Try and discover happiness. Learn to be OK with who I am. Make some new friends. Try some new things. Experience life a bit. Be comfortable going somewhere. Find satisfaction.
These are just a few of the basics that I have at the moment.
A lot of this, I am still planning, as everything is in a really rough stage right now. I currently have no definitive plan on what I’m going to do for eating and exercise. There is a gym at my apartment complex, and it’s nice, but I am considering seeing about getting a personal trainer if I can afford it.
As for diet, I am thinking about going onto the Herbalife system. If you have used Herbalife before or know something about it, please, let me know. I would love to hear some feedback.
I cannot stress to you enough how crucial feedback is going to be with all of this. You see, I have no will power – none. I need a support system to push me and shove me every step of the way. I need positive reinforcement, otherwise I will cripple and fail, like I have so many times before in the past. I have no family to support me. I don’t have any roommates or anyone living with me to even sit down with and talk to. I need your help. I need you to comment on my blog posts, and lend me your thoughts, your love, your encouragement, your support. Please. It is so important that I get some good people behind me on this…
So yes. This is the start of my journey. It’s now 1 AM, so technically, the first day is over, and I hope it was a success. I have decided that I am going to try and blog about the day before the morning after… if that makes sense at all. In other words, I will be writing about, say, the events of Thursday on Friday morning. That way I can post my weigh-in for the day, and I can observe the day as a whole. This might change if this system doesn’t work out (AKA I don’t have time to write it every morning), but I think that it’s what I’ll do for now.
If you haven’t watched the youtube video yet, please do. I will be doing a variety of blog videos, from me working out, to weigh-ins, to meal checks, and more. They will be more in-depth (and fun), so please, do watch those as well! You can either watch them here as I post them, or feel free to follow my YouTube channel.
And on that note, I did you all farewell! Until the morning, anyway… And we shall see if my first day truly was a success…
None of these shake thingies have worked so far for any of my friends who tried to lose weight.
The only ones that managed to keep their weight low after the loss went to a weight-watchers group.
Does the hypothyroidism get treated? Because that might cause weight gain, too.
On another note: I like your appartment.
By: Zoe on October 8, 2009
at 9:28 am
I know that shakes do work, but it’s tricky. You have to be very vigilant, and they don’t work for everyone. I have heard a lot of good things about the Herbalife, and talked to some people in my office who have been on it and liked it, so I think I might give it a shot. I’m not sure.
They stopped treated of my hypothyroidism a while ago because it wasn’t doing anything to help it.
By: dianeshreve on October 8, 2009
at 5:10 pm
If you still have hypothyroidsm, which means low hormones (fT3 and fT4), your whole metabolism is slow. You may gain weight, have mood swings, feel tired, your skin changes… Remind you of something?
It is usually treated by giving you thyroxin which is the hormone that might be too low in your blood.
Not treating it is not a good idea and may even lead to more serious thyroid diseases.
I would have it checked again to help you start your journey. We would not want to let that little bugger of a gland get in your way.
By: Zoe on October 8, 2009
at 5:46 pm
Diane, I think this is very brave and admirable of you, and I will be with you every limb of the journey. I understand partly what it is to be stuck in a rut of fatness.
I have been overweight since the age of 8. I had a scare when I was 7 (I have a phobia of vomiting) and basically I got it into my head that if I ate I’d be sick. So, I stopped eating, and got ghostly thin and almost died. And anyway long story short, I was more scared of dying, so I ate. And ate, and ate and ate and now I’m fat.
Anyway, point is this blog was just the kick start I needed. Your determiniation made me think nothing is impossible, and if you can do it, so can I. I’m with you.
Never tried that particular diet (I think it might be an American one, or I’ve just never heard of it. Either way I wish you every sucess with it). For exercise, the gym is tough and it’s easy to lose your motivation. One thing I can suggest is swim! Swimming will not agrivate your arthritis and works every muscle in your body without the physical ties and exhastion of gravity. It is also incredibly theraputic and relaxing. I find when I swim for those few hours, if you’re really into it, your worries seem to lighten (or mine do).
Another thing I can heartly recommend is an exercise plate. You know those vibrating boards you stand on, and can do stretches on. You actually burn more fat on that for 10 minutes than you do in 1 hour run, so heartily worth it.
So yeah, swimming is the best exercise for losing weight, then go to the gym to build muscle after
Try measuring yourself every month, it actually really helps when you’ve seen how many inches you’ve lost too.
Oh and don’t be too tough on yourself. I’ve tried diets and been majorly pissed when I haven’t lost weight that week. Truth is, weight goes up and down like a yo yo (particularly in women). By all means weigh yourself, but bear in mind things like periods naturally bloat you, and don’t lose heart if you don’t lose as much for that particular week. Bear in mind all loss is a loss right? And even staying the same isn’t a gain.
Anyway the best of luck you you, you deserve every happiness. I’m no expert, but painfully optimistic/cheerful most of the time, so quite happy to maybe tell you how I’d see/feel about a situation, who knows maybe it’ll help you try and see things in that way too.
Take care of yourself climbing that big mountain. Nothing is impossible. Oooh, motivation “Men Of Honour” is an amazing powerful film and a true story if you ever wanna catch it. And any 70′s disco songs “I’m so excited”, “Lets Hear It For The Boy”, “Flashdance, What A Feeling” are all amazing to exercise to.
YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
xxxxxxxxx
By: Becca on October 8, 2009
at 10:11 am
Hey Becca,
Hey, if I can help you out too, that’d be great! I really appreciate you sticking by me and helping me out on this journey. It’s going to be quite a struggle.
I know that swimming is an excellent exercise. I was on my high school’s swim team in my senior year of high school because I couldn’t do the last PE credit I needed to take due to my disabilities. So they stuck me on the swim team instead. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but it was so worth it in the end. I didn’t necessary lose a lot of weight, but I did gain tremendous muscle, and I felt strong. Unfortunately, I’m back to square one. And also unfortunately, it’s already cooling off here, and my pool isn’t heated, so it’s really too cold to swim anymore. Come about May when it gets really hot again, it will be a good option, though. And hopefully by then, I’ll have a good chunk of weight off and will be able to swim better.
I have never heard about exercise plates. I will have to look into that, thanks.
I’ve been on enough diets to know how weight flcutuates and goes all over the place. I also know that with me, the first 15 pounds comes off fairly easily… and then it stops. I hope that I can break through that wall this time when the time comes.
I have decided to weigh myself every day, because it’s another form of encouragement. It tells me immediate results – whether the day before was a success or not. I can’t stand waiting a week, or even a month, to know what has been going on. And if I stay the same or gain, then I know that I need to work harder that day. It’s a good management tool for me.
Anyways, thank you for all of the advice and tips, mate! I really do appreciate it! *huggles*
By: dianeshreve on October 8, 2009
at 5:51 pm
Sorry second comment, watched the video afterwards because I’m backwards lol and good food to snack on:
Jelly/Jello – No fat whatsoever so eat it until your heart’s content
Bananas – Oddly fill you up
Rivitas with peanut butter (not sure if you have rivitas, if not I’d happily send you some ^_^)
Snack-a-jacks – Rice crackers – No fat
Peanuts – Some fat, but mainly unsaturated.
Carrot sticks
Oooh and I diet I can recommend is the weetabix diet. It’s the one my Nanna got from the Doctor to lose weight, and the one that helped my mum lose 2 dress sizes
it’s all about portion control and weighing your food, and it recommends snacks etc on there, you’ll probably find you won’t get hungry on it.
Remember it takes more muscles to frown than smile. And you can always ring me in (my) evenings.
*tackle glomps*
xxxxxxxxxx
(Oh and you’re always welcome to come visit me in England)
P.s. I’m 19 years old (20 in March) and I’ve never had a boyfriend either, and know exactly how sad and lonely it makes you feel, how much of a loser. So whenever you wanna talk about that, I’m always here
By: Becca on October 8, 2009
at 10:23 am
Hi again mate,
Those are some good snack ideas. But remember, just because something isn’t high in fat doesn’t mean that it’s good for you. Jello has a lot of sugar, and even sugar free jello still has calories and little nutrients. Bananas, however, are very good for you, as are pears, strawberries, etc., which I plan on buying some of the next time I go to the market. I do not know what rivitas are – what are they? And yes, rice cakes are a good snack, but they have a lot of carbs and salt, and are high in calories, so again, not the greatest of snacks.
And you know if I had the time and money, I’d love to come and visit you.
By: dianeshreve on October 8, 2009
at 5:55 pm
Go Diane, I’m sure you’ll do it
By: Kiri_84 on October 8, 2009
at 11:28 am
Thanks mate! *hugs* ^^
By: dianeshreve on October 8, 2009
at 5:12 pm
Diane, I am SO proud of you right now! You’ve really put a lot of thought and planning into this, and I know that if you keep up this attitude, you WILL go far. And if you feel those self-conscious blues creeping up on you, just beat ‘em back with a stick!
GOOD LUCK! And don’t forget, we’ll all be here cheering you on. ^_^ *hugs*
~Jenny
By: Jenny on October 8, 2009
at 12:19 pm
Thank you Jenny! You and I both know all too well that the self-conscious blues will come to town. I already feel them knocking, because I didn’t really lose any weight and I thought for sure I would have been down a pound. But I am going to just have to push myself harder.
By: dianeshreve on October 8, 2009
at 5:43 pm
You already know I am hugely behind you on this, so I’ll take the time to wish you the absolute best of luck with this life change, I know you can do it, Diane. And I’ll be here reading and commenting, supporting you every second of the day!
Muchos loves xxx
By: Rebecca on October 8, 2009
at 4:22 pm
Thank you so much mate! It really means a lot to have you behind me, and I appreciate you dedicating yourself to reading every day! *huggles*
By: dianeshreve on October 8, 2009
at 5:27 pm
You are so awesome for starting this blog! I too have very little will power, especially long term, so I am always afraid to blog or even talk about changing myself ’cause if I fail I will feel bad. But of course that’s a stupid way to think because I could use that to motivate myself.
Anyway, I don’t have a lot of experience with diets, but I’m REALLY good at snacking
I have found that though whole wheat bread and rice cakes (I found some un-buttery un-salty brown rice cakes and they are amazing) before I eat anything else helps prevent me from just opening a bag of something and going to town. Having bananas always on hand is also a good idea. And I love Odwalla juice; though they don’t belong in the weight loss drink category they are packed with nutrients and are my go-to too-busy-to-eat-anything-else food. All my recipes are vegan so if you’re not into veggies, they might not work for you but I love the blog http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/ because most recipes are pretty tasty versions of naughty, naughty food. Might be worth a look.
Again, I think you’re amazing for doing this and wish you the best of luck! You’re a brave one.
By: Erin on October 8, 2009
at 8:04 pm
Yeah, I am going to try and use this blog to motivate myself. I am already not doing so well in the motivator area, simply because I am exceedingly ill today. And I will feel bad if I fail. So perhaps the fear of failing will keep pushing me forward, haha.
Everyone keeps telling me to get some rice cakes, so I think I’ll invest in some of those the next time I go to the market. What is Odwalla juice? I think some juice in general might be good to have on hand, though juice is actually very high in sugar and calories, urgh.
I looked briefly at the website you sent me, and yeah, not my thing, haha. I can’t eat most vegetables or anything with nuts without getting extremely ill. I am also mildly allergic to soy and tofu, go figure. It makes dieting even harder when you can’t really eat the things that are good for you!
But thank you for your support mate, it is appreciated! <33
By: dianeshreve on October 8, 2009
at 10:37 pm
Odwalla juice is a no fat, low calorie (depending on the kind) juice that is 100% fruit/veggie/herb/etc, no sugar added, and vitamin packed. They sell them pretty much everywhere. They are like smoothies and can be pretty filling. Some of them have soy protein and veggies in them so you’d have to watch out for that, but otherwise I highly recommend them. Mmmm…
http://www.odwalla.com/
And dang, I would go crazy if I was allergic to soy and tofu, since I am allergic to milk and meat makes my stomach very angry; for a few years I threw up pretty much every morning (not intentionally) until I totally cut those foods out. Between the two of us we could have a normal stomach.
By: Erin on October 10, 2009
at 12:35 am